Laws & Customs of Mourning

From the time of death until after the burial, close relatives (father, mother, son, daughter, husband, wife, brother, sister) are considered onenim. They should be involved in burial preparations and are exempt from mitzvos during this time. An autopsy is forbidden by Torah law. The deceased may not be left alone — a shomer (watchman) is designated to remain and recite Tehillim.

It is a mitzvah to escort the deceased to the cemetery. A minyan of ten is important at the cemetery for kaddish. It is a great mitzvah to eulogize the deceased properly — mentioning their praises and character. A male kohen may not enter a cemetery except for close relatives. Men and women should not mingle during the funeral procession.

During shiva, mourners may not work, bathe (except face, hands, and feet), wear leather shoes, have intimate relations, or study Torah (as it causes happiness). They may not greet others or engage in laughter. On the seventh day, after morning visitors leave, the shiva period ends. Mirrors are customarily covered in the house of mourning.

After shiva and until the end of thirty days, there are continued restrictions on haircuts or shaving, wearing freshly laundered clothing, attending celebrations or parties, and long business travel. After seven days, the mourner may wear leather shoes, return to work, and resume normal Torah study. He may not attend a wedding, Bar Mitzvah, or similar celebration.

Mourning for a parent continues for twelve months. Kaddish is said for eleven months. On the yahrzeit, it is a mitzvah to fast (if able), study Torah, say kaddish, light a 24-hour candle, be called up to the Torah, and donate tzedakah in the memory of the deceased. The word for mishnah shares the same letters as neshamah — it is customary to study mishnayos in the merit of the departed.

Yizkor is recited four times a year: Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeres, the eighth day of Pesach, and the second day of Shavuos. Yizkor must be recited for a deceased parent, and may also be said for other relatives and friends. A person whose parents are both alive should not remain in the synagogue during yizkor. Names of men and women may be mentioned together.